The holidays are a time of joy, a time of togetherness, and a time of some of the most annoying music on the planet being hammered into your skull 24-7 like so many molten nails slathered with weaponized E. coli. And it’s only getting worse: Thanks to the increasing consultant-run crapfest that is modern monopolistic radio, this year, an unbelievable 400 different stations in the U.S. switched to an all-holiday music format, all the time, starting back at Thanksgiving. No, seriously. And many big cities even have more than one station doing it, and you know they’re all playing the same stuff over and over.
10. Dr. Elmo, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
Maybe we wouldn’t hate this song so much if we’d only heard it once or twice; novelty songs have a tendency to lose their punch rather quickly. But this song’s unquenchable endurance testifies to its evil power. Every year we think (we hope, we pray) it’s dead, then it comes right back like a festering herpes sore.
9. Beach Boys, “Little Saint Nick”
We really wanted to use a clip of Brian Wilson performing this horrible ditty on Jimmy Kimmel last Christmas, but the sight of a chair-bound Wilson, unable to keep his lips moving along to the guiding vocal or even put his hands up on the keyboard, was just too sad. We didn’t want that to distract you from the fact that this brutal caterwauling though a completely nonsensical song about a drag-racing Santa shows that the man got off easy.
8. Madonna, “Santa Baby”
The song may technically be a classic, but Eartha Kitt’s sexually disturbing “Santa Baby” is one of the worst Christmas songs ever performed…now outdone by Madonna’s totally unnecessary cover version featuring a piss-poor impersonation of Eartha. Hurry down her chimney, Santa! It should be an easy fit… (We were going to put up video of Madonna actually singing it, but this clip of some dudes skating in Central Park to the song is sooooo much more entertaining.)
7. Adam Sandler, “Hannukah Song 3″
We don’t want to disriminate in our hatred based on religion, so we’ll include one Hannukah song on the list. As if this painfully-unnecessary-sequel-to-an-unnec essary-sequel of an overplayed-but-good song isn’t bad enough, it insists on supporting the career of Rob Schneider amidst its all-new list of partial Chosen People. Watch the video for the uncomfortable moment at 2:59 when Adam sings, “Jennifer Connelly’s half-Jewish too, but I’d like to put some more in her”…while backed by a chorus of cherubic young children.
6. Mannheim Steamroller, “Deck the Halls”
They play songs everyone knows on a crappy Casio keyboard with a disco beat and they sell millions and millions of albums. Thanks to the fact that we as Americans are complete morons, these Mannhymen have sold 27 million records in the U.S. alone, and are officially the best-selling holiday act of all time. Hope you’re proud of yourselves, America. This is why the terrorists hate us
5. The Singing Dogs, “Jingle Bells”
This gratingly awful ditty proves that a bark can indeed be worse than the most painful, gangrenous bite. As if the one song isn’t annoying enough, it’s only part of an entire 40-minute album…that inspired several sequel albums and a Jingle Cats spin-off. And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten—can we live there too?
4. Winger, “Silent Night”
As if the off-key vocal “harmonies” don’t massacre the song badly enough in its traditional arrangement, about halfway through Kip Winger asks his boys to “make it a little more funky.” Then the hair band begins a pathetically pre-rehearsed “ad-lib” into a rocking version of Silent Night that completely defies the title of the song. Fun fact: It was soon after this little performance aired that MTV started moving away from playing music videos. Coincidence? We think not.
3. Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, “Little Drummer Boy”
Apart, these two Sisters of Suck are bad enough, but put them together and they’re suddenly the Wonder Twins of terrible. From the opening notes Jessica shows a level of total tone-deafness that would make Helen Keller cringe, and the girls’ complete lack of harmony when Ashlee chimes in only makes it worse. Beware: If you once thought of these girls sexually (we’re looking at you, Joe Simpson), this song will cure you of that. It’s the equivalent of seeing a hot girl sneeze all over herself.
2. Newsong, “Christmas Shoes”
It’s almost as if the Christian band Newsong hired a focus group to help them intentionally write the worst song of all time. First, they take a dirt-poor kid (literally—he’s “dirty from head to toe”) and have him spending his carefully saved-up money to buy a pair of shoes for Momma…because she’s DYING. On Christmas Eve. And not dying in a purely non-sectarian way, of course—she’s going to “meet Jesus tonight,” so, naturally, she has to be wearing some nice shoes to his birthday party or Jesus is totally going to kick her unfashionable ass out of heaven. To top it off, the kid counts his pennies and finds he doesn’t have enough, so the guy behind him in line has to learn the true meaning of Christmas by handing over a few cents he otherwise would have put toward his next crack whore. If we were the guy behind that kid in line, and knew he was going to write this wretched song about the whole experience, we would have beaten him up and stolen Momma’s shoe money on the spot.
And the most annoying Christmas song of all time is…
1. Paul McCartney, “Wonderful Christmastime”
If you ever need proof that God hates us and wants us to writhe in pain before putting out our own eardrums with a pencil, put this song on repeat play (as almost every retail store seems to do during the holiday season). The cheesy keyboards, the cloying, first-grade-level lyrics, the mind–numbing monotony and repetition…how the hell did they ever let this guy in the Beatles? And that’s most pathetic choir of children we’ve ever heard of—they needed to practice all year long to sing “ding dong ding dong ding dong”? They must have been as high as Paul was when he decided this song was worth the tape it was recorded on. As a Christmas gift to everyone on Earth, Paul, we’re sending Mark David Chapman your address.
Prisons do not allow any sharpen things because it will be the weapon for prisoners. However this doesn’t deter prisoners from making their own. A showcase of ingenuity where some of them are everyday objects that we can see. Designer Observer brings us 12 pictures of weapons that we can make during prison times. The pictures come with the description
Materials: Stainless steel tablespoon; handle wrapped with upholstery.
Backstory: At its core here is a spoon, stolen from the staff dining room at Rahway, where, as in many federal penitentiaries, inmates were restricted to using plastic flatware. Stamped "State of NJ," the spoon likely to have been sharpened on the cement floor or wall of a cell. The bowl of the spoon was filled with wax and then wrapped with upholstery thread (taken from the furniture shop, where it was used to re-stitch chair cushions) thereby forming a generously-scaled handle.
Materials: Iron band from bed slat; handle wrapped with electrical tape over boxing tape.
Materials: Iron plate; handle wrapped with electrical tape.
Materials: Steel rod; handle wrapped with boxing tape.
Materials: Wood strip; five large razor blades glued into one side; six small razor blades glued into other and wrapped with boxing tape, rubylith and clear tape; handle wrapped with boxing tape.
Backstory: Lifted from the facility's metal sign shop, this shiv is wrapped in "rubylith" — a red, masking tape classically used in signmaking (and, before the digital revolution, commonly employed by graphic designers in the production of "mechanicals"). Eleven disposable razor blades, available for purchase from Rahway's commissary back in the 1980s, are carefully inserted down the sides.
Materials: Carriage return from typewriter; U-clamp attached to side; handle wrapped with boxing tape, string, upholstery thread and fragments of dried putty.
Backstory: By law, prisoners must be provided materials to have an opportunity to prepare their own legal defenses. In the 1980s, typewriters were made available for this purpose: the long, notched "spear" here is the carriage return from a prison-issued typewriter. The handle was wrapped with tape is likely to have been taken from Rahway's boxing facility, where several world-class boxers trained, including Rubin "Hurricane" Carter.
Materials: Gardening glove with smaller glove inside; four steel upholstery tacks, each with three sharp points exposed, sewn between gloves.
Backstory: A pair of gardening gloves were issued to an inmate assigned to outdoor landscape detail. The sharp metal points beneath the cloth are actually the bottom sides of four inverted upholstery tacks, lifted from the furniture shop and stitched into the knuckles of the glove: the idea here is that the points become more pronounced when the user makes a fist.
Materials: "Unbreakable" plastic comb; three single-edge razor blades inserted into teeth; wrapped with copper wire and shoelace.
Backstory: During the 1980s, a modest stipend of $1.10 per day was deposited into each working prisoner's personal account. The comb and shoelace used here were available from the prison commissary at that time. By completing an order form, prisoners could make purchases and tailor a shiv to their own design specifications.
Materials: Shard of plexiglas; handle wrapped with electrical tape.
Materials: Steel carpenter's square.
Backstory: A carpenter's square was shaved to a point using metal snips found in the prison sign shop, where many state highway and traffic signs are still made each year.
1. Lawn Darts DEATH FROM ABOVE Respect the Jart or it will destroy you
Removable parts? Suffocation risk? Lead paint? Pussy hazards compared to the granddaddy of them all. Lawn Darts, or "Jarts," as they were marketed, would never fly in our current ultra-paranoid, safety-helmeted, Dr. Phil toy culture. Lawn darts were massive weighted spears. You threw them. They stuck where they landed. If they happened to land in your skull, well, then you should have moved. During their brief (and generally awesome) reign in 1980s suburbia, Jarts racked up 6,700 injuries and four deaths. STOP TOSS MEASURES The lawn dart was put on the permanent no-fly list in 1988
The best part about Jarts was that they eliminated all speculation from true outdoor fun. (Is this dangerous? Hell yes, now chuck it!) And they were equal opportunity: All it took to play lawn darts was a sweaty grip. For good measure, it was also nice to have a small sibling around to stand on the other side of the house and tell you how your throw looked (and by how much you cleared the chimney).
The actual rules of lawn darts, as laid out by the manufacturer, were never important. No one is known to have used Jarts for their intended purpose. It shouldn't be surprising, then, that an accident involving a wayward spear and the semi-permeable head of a seven-year-old resulted in the toys' being banned from the market in 1988. Sadly, today's underage boys will never know the primal excitement of a summer's evening spent impaling friends before suppertime.
2. Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab
FISSION BUDDY Fallout shelter not included
Honey, why is your face glowing? In 1951, A.C. Gilbert introduced his U-238 Atomic Energy Lab, a radioactive learning set we can only assume was fun for the whole math club. Gilbert, who Americanmemorabilia claims was "often compared to Walt Disney for his creative genius," had a dream that nuclear power could capture the imaginations of children everywhere. For a mere $49.50, the kit came complete with three "very low-level" radioactive sources, a Geiger-Mueller radiation counter, a Wilson Cloud Chamber (to see paths of alpha particles), a Spinthariscope (to see "live" radioactive disintegration), four samples of Uranium-bearing ores, and an Electroscope to measure radioactivity. MUTUALLY ASSURED INSTRUCTION Junior Einsteins had everything they needed, except a hazmat suit
And what nuclear lab for kids would be complete without an Atomic Energy Manual and Learn How Dagwood Splits the Atom comic book? (The latter was written with the help of General Leslie Groves, director of the Manhattan Project.)
Kids do the darndest things, but not, apparently, nuclear physics. The toy was only sold for one year. It's unclear what effects the Uranium-bearing ores might have had on those few lucky children who received the set, but exposure to the same isotope—U-238—has been linked to Gulf War syndrome, cancer, leukemia, and lymphoma, among other serious ailments. Even more uncertain is the longterm impact of being raised by the kind of nerds who would give their kid an Atomic Energy Lab.
3. Mini-Hammocks from EZ Sales
SWING AND A PRAYER One false move on the Mini-Hammock and leisure turned to seizure
Mini-hammocks seemed innocuous enough. No projectiles, no lead paint, no sharp edges, and no explicit danger (except sloth). But between the years of 1984–1995 the EZ Sales mini-hammock, oft marketed under the name "Hang Ten," managed to hang 12.
WEB OF DESPAIR If death by seating is to be your fate, we recommend the electric chair
CPSC reported in August 1996 that the product had resulted in the fatal and near-fatal asphyxiation of dozens of kids ages five to 17 and recalled three million of them. Among the banned EZ products were Hangouts Baby Hammocks, or "Baby's First Death Cocoon," woven from thin cotton and nylon strings.
The culprit was a missing set of "spreader bars," supports meant to keep the hammock open when it was "at ease." Unfortunately, children seeking to spend an afternoon like Gilligan became entangled in the net and strangled to death. That's what happens when you spend $4 on a hammock.
4. Snacktime Cabbage Patch Dolls
"Feed Me!" begged the packaging for 1996's Cabbage Patch Snacktime Kid. And much like the carnivorous Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, the adorable lineup of Cabbage Patch snack-dolls appeared at first to be harmless. They merely wanted a nibble—a carrot perhaps, or maybe some yummy pudding. They would stop chewing when snack time was done—they promised. Then they chomped your child's finger off. SHOCK AND GNAW She might not have been human, but her hunger pains were all too real
In creating this innovative new toy, the great minds at Mattel devised a motorized mouth that sensed neither pleasure nor pain. It chewed for chewing's sake. With no mechanism to turn off the munching should trouble arise, it was only a matter of time before some cherub's long blonde hair got caught in the doll's rabid jaws. After 35 fingers and ponytails fell victim, the Snacktime Kids were removed from retail shelves forever, and 500,000 customers were offered a full $40 refund.
5. Sky Dancers
Executives at Galoob Toys predicted big sales for Christmas 1994. With their new Sky Dancer, they would be the first toy company to combine the sparkly femininity of Barbie with the firepower of a bottle rocket. THE NUTCRACKER Keep your distance from this femme fatal
In December of that same year, a New York Times article predicted that if Galoob met its goals, Sky Dancer would "be all the rage, the sort of product that engenders black markets, toy-related bribes, and giddy newspaper stories invoking the word 'phenomenon.'" The writer, giddy himself over the "sprite's powerful launch," added, "For every parent who doubts Sky Dancer's safety ... there are 10 who feel the foam wings and take their softness as an assurance of safety."
But six years later, the Sky Dancer was grounded. When spun aloft, the wings—which felt so soft and cushy in the aisles of Toys "R" Us—turned into steely-hard child manglers. In 2000, the CPSC announced that over 150 children fell prey to Sky Dancer's helicopter-blade arms and erratic "Oh-Jesus-it's-chasing-me!" flying patterns. Injuries included scratched corneas and temporary blindness, mild concussions, broken ribs and teeth, and facial lacerations that required stitches. Nearly nine million Sky Dancers were eventually recalled, leaving aspiring ballerinas to earn their battle scars the old fashioned way, with an eating disorder.
6. Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun
Some kids had belt buckles. Others had cap guns. Only the lucky ones had the Bat Masterson Derringer Belt Gun, a two-in-one combo that took care of all your pants-securing needs with the option every ten-year-old dreams of: the ability to shoot caps at groin level. CROTCH ROCKET That's not the kind of pelvic thrust Suzy had in mind
One Bat Masterson enthusiast, identified as "Tim from Shoreview, Maine" on nostalgia website Boomberbaby.com remembers, "When you stuck out your stomach putting pressure on the buckle, a small gun would pop out and fire a cap." A gut-busting meal, in that case, could lead to a serious friendly-fire mishap.
According to SafeKids USA, "Caps can be ignited by friction and cause serious burns." Every young boy needs to learn the valuable lesson of always protecting his nether regions, with force if necessary, but given the positioning of the Derringer, the owner's greatest enemy might have actually been puberty.
7. Creepy Crawlers
THE FRYING GAME Horse around with the Thingmaker and you'll get the third degree
Nothing says safety like an open hot plate. And nothing says fun like using that open hot plate to create molten, rubbery insects you can throw at your sister while narrowly avoiding setting the house ablaze. The 1964 Creepy Crawler Thingmaker from Mattel, a distant cousin of today's Creepy Crawler toys, came with a series of molds, tubes of "plastigoop," and an open-faced frier, which could heat up to a nerve-searing 310 degrees. FLESH DIRECT The molds came in many different varieties, but rarely in the shape of your little brother's hand
The plastigoop was poured over an extremely hot surface and then cast into the molds of various multi-colored critters. The results? Fingerprint removal. At least those who dodged serious injury or disfigurement could safely eat their creation. Oh wait, the critters were toxic, too. But this was the '60s, and though there was an outcry from the singed and sickened masses, Mattel went right on marketing their electric ovens to children.
8. Johnny Reb Cannon
WHISTLING DIXIE Through the new hole in your head
The South did rise again, at least during playtime for the owners of the Johnny Reb, a 30-inch "authentic civil war" cannon draped in the confederate flag. The Reb fired hard, plastic cannonballs with a spring mechanism—the aspiring secessionist need only pull a lanyard. No word on exactly how fast the cannonballs flew, but they traveled up to 35 feet and seemed perfectly sized to lodge into an eye socket, down an open mouth, or through a slave's window.
SCHLOCK AND LOAD This must-watch 1961 commercial for the Reb features the catchy jingle, "We'll all be gay when Johnny comes marching home!" Click play, you'll thank us.
For only $11.98, young rebels got a cannon, six cannon balls, a ramrod, and a rebel flag. What better way to permanently maim your little brother while spreading valuable lessons about states' rights?
9. Battlestar Galactica Missile Launcher
Battlestar Galactica was everyone's favorite television Star Wars rip-off in 1978. Especially cool among the Battlestar offerings were a series of missile launchers known individually as the Viper, the Cylon Raider, the Scarab, and the Stellar Probe. Young boys routinely forgot they actually asked for the Millennium Falcon for Christmas once they saw the sweet, sweet projectile action. READY, AIM, CHOKE Never underestimate the stopping power of a tiny plastic missile
It takes just a few jabbed eyes, some torn intestines and the death of a child to bring down a party, and that's just what happened in January 1979, when the battle cruiser missiles were finally recalled. Most of the accidents were caused by salvos that went tragically off target. Mattel, working with the CPSC, announced that the fatality occurred when a young boy in Atlanta fired one of the missiles into his mouth. The missiles, at one and a quarter inches, were just about the ideal size to land in one's esophagus and stay there. The boy's parents thought so too. They sued Mattel for $14 million.
A spokesperson from the CPSC explained that "the barrel shape of the toy seemed to invite children to put it in their mouths." Something you could apparently say in 1979 without too much snickering. After the injuries, Mattel called for consumers to participate in a "Missile Mail-In," which promised a free Hot Wheels car—a fair trade to anyone who disarmed.
10. Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle
The Fisher-Price Power Wheels Motorcycle is one of those toys kids salivate over for years. Even adults can barely contain their jealousy when the little brat from down the block whizzes by on that shiny plastic hog. But the ride wasn't always so smooth. In fact, on some models, there was a rather serious glitch. QUEASY RIDER From zero to broken arm in 39 seconds
Eager youngsters who gunned the throttle found that it often stayed gunned, stuck in a petrifying state of perma-acceleration. Presumably, the child on the motorcycle was then taken on a hellish, intestine-twisting scream ride. At one point, he or she would face choices unthinkable except in an Evel Knievel meets Knightrider crossover episode: Do I jump? Or do I ride it out and see if I can clear the gully? Is it sentient? Can it be reasoned with?
In August 2000, Fisher-Price recalled 218,000 of the Power Wheels motorcycles, warning: "Children can be injured when the motorcycle ride-ons fail to stop and strike other objects." Stunt children everywhere observed a moment of silence.
11 Honorable Mention: Manley Toys Disco Light
The brightly-colored disco ball cost 1,500 Chuck E. Cheese tickets. For the average skee-baller, that adds up to about 15 months of play at a cost of approximately $20,000. If reports are accurate, the hard-won dance aide could also burn down your house. When left on too long, the ball's multicolored sides begin to melt. The plastic goop then slides down to your shag carpet, creating a foul smelling inferno of plastic, hair, and light bulb filament. At least, that's what we assume happened in Jacksonville, Florida, when the innocuous looking orb, presumably left on after an extensive dance party, wrought death and destruction in May of this year, according to reports.
The case is still pending and the disco balls have yet to be recalled, but Chuck E. Cheese did see fit to remove them from his prize arsenal, and the manufacturer has since added a warning. Dancers are now advised to use the fun sphere for no longer than four hours at a time, which is about four hours longer than any kid should be disco-ing. The real danger here is probably less to dancing children than to the transfixed pot smoker.
List of the most strangest web cams that I come across in recent time.
No.1 USB Foot Web Cam One of the strangest accessories I’ve seen
Features: 360 degree rotatable camera head ,Lens rotation for adjusting clear image, LED light, LED lightness adjusting switch, Lightweight and cutie designed, Excellent still image capture, Video Conferencing, Workable on ICQ, MSN, Skype, etc, Plug and play, USB Interface Fully support USB 1.0 and 2.0, Size: 114x56x61mm, Weight: 105g
No.2 Telescopic Lens USB Webcam
A new, $26 USB webcam from Brando features a removable, 7x TELESCOPIC LENS.
No.3 Puppy Dog USB Webcam
This aptly-named Puppy Dog Webcam ditches the typical monitor mounted approach and provides a more playful alternative to broadcasting yourself. Stuffed within the fluffy cotton and soft fur is a scant 1.3 megapixel webcam that apparently isn't even complimented by an integrated microphone or light source, which gives the (probably accurate) impression that this pup is all bark and no bite. Nevertheless, we assume the canine can pull double duty as a child's toy, and while the dangling USB cable may become a minor hazard, it's unlikely to be as dangerous as the exploding Helly Kitty.
No.4 USB Soccer Web Cam This strange webcam boasts a 360-degree rotatable camera head, plug-and-play support, USB 2.0 connectivity, and a soccer-inspired design.
No.5 The 360 degrees USB WebCam
The SOIOS 55-Cam 360 is a very interesting webcam as it is able to give you 3 different vision angles: 360 degrees, 270 degrees and a viewing angle that is more conventional like any other webcam. The SOIOS 55-Cam 360 has unfortunately a not very powerful 0.35MP sensor, but can be connected to your computer via FireWire.
